[Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.]
With two days until the big fashion show, Betsey meets with Brandon about the model fittings. Ooh! Cyndi Lauper is going to open the show! The first part will be thirty looks from each decade, and there are five decades of vintage…so that’s a whole lot of clothing. The second part of the show is all about branded products, also known as Things With Betsey’s Name On Them. The last part is a prom dress tutu extravaganza. And finally, for who the heck knows what reason, LuLu is popping out of a cake. That’s disturbing, right? To ask your daughter to pop out of a cake like a stripper?
One day before the show, Betsey is sitting on the floor painting signage for backstage. It’s almost like Brandon set Betsey up at the kiddie table to keep her occupied while the adults work. The models show up for their fittings and it looks wild. There’s poufs and sparkles and patterns everywhere, and “Guys Heart B.J.” t-shirts. Fluffers. The night before the show, Brandon goes through each look while the assistants scramble to bag up the clothes and accessories. And Betsey? She’s still sitting on the floor, doodles pictures.
LuLu meets with the handbag people solo because she and Allison “parted ways.” Naturally, they want to know what happened to Allison. “We had some disagreements and yadda yadda yadda, they never found the body.” That’s enough for the handbag people who show LuLu sketches of handbags which makes LuLu super duper excited because her name is on the bags. Unfortunately, LuLu’s licensing agent has been unable to find her a retailer willing to carry the bags. Without one, the handbag people have zero interest in moving forward. Ruh roh.
The morning of the show, Betsey sleeps in and lets Brandon get the show together without her. Betsey finally arrives ten hours before the show and loves what she sees. Hair is crimping, shadow is sparkling, the stage is filling up with gear….and Brandon whispers to Betsey, “I kinda feel like this is turning into they Cyndi show.” Well, nobody upstages Betsey! She decides that “this is shaping up to be a total disaster,” and starts directing people to clear Cyndi Lauper’s gear out of the way of her spotlight.
LuLu meets with her licensing agent, The Other Andy Cohen, right before her mother’s fashion show. She needs advice on what to do next because everything is on hold. He explains that things take time, and this is not an instantaneous process. Oh good, she feels soooo much better.
Betsey doesn’t like the way the models are walking during rehearsals, so she shows them how to walk like it’s a party. And she is really good at this. Like, everyone is having a lot of fun. When it’s time to rehearse the cake routine, LuLu is nowhere to be found. She just got done with the meeting and “just” has to run home, dress the kids, and get over to the show. She estimates that this will take twenty-five minutes, but nothing in Manhattan takes twenty-five minutes. Stop being such a disappointment, LuLu!
Ten minutes before the show, the room is packed, people are painting things on Betsey’s face, and LuLu is dressed up in a pair’s ice dancing costume. Cyndi takes the stage and belts out Girls Just Wanna Have Fun while Betsey and LuLu 80s dance backstage. Then the show begins. The 60s are cute but quiet. The 70s start blasting the senses with color and patterns. Betsey’s 80s looks are classic glamour punk. In the 90s, things got a little Courtney Love. The aughts are forgettable club kid gear. And now it’s Stuff You Can Buy Made From Plastic. Ugh. The accessories are cheap and forgettable. But okay, fine. The swimwear is cool. Very cool, actually. And now it’s models in prom dresses. If I were a seventeen-year-old girl, I would want most of the dresses in some of the colors.
Oh right, LuLu’s rotting in a cake. Roll her out! Tada, it’s a blonde! But it wouldn’t be a Betsey Johnson fashion show without a 70-year-old doing cartwheels and splits, and Betsey doesn’t disappoint. Backstage, there are gallons of champagne and millions of air kisses and Betsey thanks Brandon for his hard work in putting together her best show ever.
Next week: Betsey visits Patricia Field.