It’s time to recap Lindsay Lohan’s very unusual show!

This episode begins with Lindsay’s Lifetime Channel For Starlets leaving, and Lindsay smoking alone —  in a hat — on her living room floor. Just smoking and emoting, emoting and smoking. She is filming herself for the series.

The elder Lohan is writing an autobiography. No, strike that — the elder Lohan’s ghostwriter is writing a biography of the elder Lohan and must mine Young Linds for material. They bounced around the title “Parent Trapped” or “The Parent Trip,” but struck it in favor of “My Life By Dina Lohan As Written Not By Dina Lohan.” There’s off-camera chatter between Old and Newer Lohan about what can and cannot be said, and I’m getting the idea that Dina is trying to put a much shinier gloss on her story than reality portends.

There’s lots of blathering about Lindsay’s father and how unreliable he was and his drug use and the arrests and yes, we know, he was a lousy father and Dina wasn’t much of a mother.

Next on the to-do list is hosting a Halloween party at a casino for a hundred grand. In order to collect her cash, she has to walk the red carpet and appear at the party from 10 p.m. to midnight. She arrives late and… what is she doing? Pouring fake blood on herself. Oh right, it’s Halloween. Which I guess is a good reason to toss fake blood all over the walls of a hotel room. At 11:30 p.m., Lindsay heads down to the red carpet.

Ah, there’s a dispute as to whether Lindsay performed her obligations under the contract. And she has anxiety over being around alcohol, which her mother is doing a great job of consuming in a sexy Sleeping Beauty costume. Lindsay takes lots of selfies with fans, and… oh, look. Headlines about how the casino wants their money back for not appearing on time or walking the red carpet. She eventually got her money, but those kinds of headlines are what’s killing whatever is left of her career.

lindsay lohan nerve

Lindsay is going to be shot for Elle Indonesia. The photo shoot is scheduled for 12:30 p.m. and requires natural light, so of course it’s 2:30 p.m. and Lindsay is nowhere to be seen.  Lindsay’s rep arrives at 3:00 p.m. with excuses about working late and needing to sleep, but nobody will say what she’s working on. A bottle, perhaps? They try to reschedule for Sunday and the fashion editor calls her a bitch because she is. Nobody is surprised that this happened and this is insane. The crew flew to New York from freaking Indonesia and Lindsay couldn’t even bother to show up.

Lindsay’s apartment has turned into a party. She has friends over who drink and she goes to clubs, but that’s okay because she danced and talked instead of sitting and drinking. She knows the demon energy in each particular club so she can work around that, or something.

It’s 7:21 a.m. on Sunday, the day that Lindsay is supposed to have her rescheduled photoshoot for Elle Indonesia. She is filming four tweaked out friends playing a game of dare. They dare one of them to get his ear pierced with a knife, a bottle of booze is involved, nobody can speak coherently and I’m not getting a good vibe from this at all.

Lindsay gets to her photo shoot on time and bangs it out like a pro. She made it through five wardrobe changes before they lost the natural light. This upsets Lindsay because she wants more photos. She moves the photo shoot outside and has the photographer shoot her walking down the street. What Lindsay really wants is the attention from the paparazzi. But now, she is pissed off because the photographer can’t continue and the paparazzi photos are going to be on YouTube. She sends her assistant Poor Matt to buy the photos off of the guy, who doesn’t want his stupid thousand dollars because he can make more money selling them to someone who is not Poor Matt.

Four days later, the photo shoot resumes. Late, of course. They shoot in Lindsay’s apartment, probably because at least they know she’ll maybe be there. There isn’t enough natural light by the time Lindsay gets her act together, so the documentary photographers set up their lights in order to get this thing moving. At 4:40 p.m., Lindsay is ready for her close up. Then, there’s a dispute over an interview. Lindsay can’t do the interview because her hangers-on are waiting to go out for the night.

Next week, Linday partners with a startup for the two-hour finale of this docu-series debacle.

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