Where is she? Dina! Dina! Get ready for your close-up! Dina’s body is very, very orange, and she must have pissed off the make-up artist something fierce because her face is a totally different shade of white white. “Do you have any regrets about allowing Lindsay to go to California at that age?” Well she was nineteen, Oprah. I couldn’t stop her. Let me rattle off the excuses. Ugh. Dina, Dina, Dina. Your parenting skills are as questionable as your fashion sense.

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BRING IN THE LINDSAY! Lindsay is ready, and Oprah is going to give her just a little more rope. Now it’s time for Oprah to leave and for Lindsay to get back to work. Gasp! Next Sunday, Oprah interviews Rob Lowe, the most gorgeous man on the planet! I will watch that, a lot.

Lindsay’s people haul fifteen Whole Foods bags into Lindsay’s apartment because Lindsay does not do food shopping. The Health And Wellness To The Stars Life Coach approves of the food purchases and prepares breakfast for Ms. Lohan—an egg white omelet. She cut her finger because cooking is hard.

Matt lets Lindsay know that he is moving her car to a garage because it’s piling up tickets outside. Then, he fires Lindsay’s new assistant, Hollie, for drinking wine in front of Lindsay. Well, good for Matt. At least there’s one person in her orbit genuinely looking out for her well-being. Also, Lindsay’s sober coach is preparing for his trip back to Los Angeles. He was only hired for a thirty-day transition and does not sound hopeful about Lindsay’s recovery.

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Lindsay goes to a pole dancing class and says it is “really empowering for women.” Later, she has a thing on Jimmy Fallon’s talkie show. She puts on makeup and he dresses up as Lindsay and they practice a dance routine and it’s over and she’s out.

It’s community service time! Lindsay pops in on “underprivileged children” in a Brooklyn elementary school. Her parole officer should’ve given her a Metrocard and a smile and had her make her way to the school without the aid of an assistant, an SUV, and a driver, but this is nice, too. She remarks that her prior community service at a morgue was more like punishment and less like a learning experience, but this is like the good kind of community service because there are no dead bodies. “It takes so little to do so much and change a kid’s perception on life.” Okay…so…keep doing that, I guess? Maybe volunteer sometime? Oh good, Lindsay asked if she could come back next week. I hope she does, really.

The Health And Wellness Fame Seeker Life Coach makes a to-do list for Lindsay that includes “life” and “career.” We learn that Lindsay has not heard from the New York agents yet, which is a little disturbing if you’re Lindsay Lohan but totally normal if you’re any other actress. Life Coach thinks Lindsay deserves an agent with fire and passion. So…it’s the agent’s fault she can’t get work?

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Lindsay has a middle-of-the-night dental emergency and rushes to a dentist. She holds up an iPhone photo of…a mouth? Her veneer came out, and she pushed it back in, and she needs to be sedated because dentists freak her out. She’s not worried about her sobriety because it wears off. There’s a weird pole in the middle of the exam room and I’m hoping that’s not the theme of this episode. Ugh. Why someone would have to be sedated with a mixture of valium, fentanyl, and propanol (all addictive substances) to repair a veneer is beyond me, but this girl certainly knows how to get her fix.

Oh whoops, Lindsay is spotted out at a cluuuuuurrrb. She says that she’s still sober, but it has come “really close, and it’s scary.” Lindsay’s sober coach is flying back to Los Angeles today, and he does not know whether or not she is sober. Or at least he can’t say that she is, and won’t discuss it with the cameras.

Next week, Lindsay is in tears and Matt shuts down production.

photos via Oprah

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