Fifty-six days out of rehab and Lindsay is finally settling into her apartment. She says it was stressful finding a place because she looked at, like, ten whole apartments. Ugh, can you imagine? Ten apartments! The stress!
Lindsay’s sober coach is helping her unpack, along with poor Matt, her personal assistant. Then there’s Hollie, Lindsay’s “second assistant.” She’s English and wears a quirky hat, and her presence relegates Matt to trudging out to Long Island in a truck with Lindsay’s driver to pick up her furniture. Matt needs to talk to Lindsay in order to work better as a team, but I’m guessing Lindsay likes the kind of team that doesn’t do a lot of talking but does a lot of doing.
There’s so much clothes. So. Much. Clothes. I’ve never seen boxes and boxes and boxes of clothes like this before. Then it gets sad as Lindsay unpacks her awards, most of them dusty from days long, long ago. There’s also a safe that rattles like jewelry when Lindsay’s lecherous father shakes it, but no combination.
The next day, the production crew is stranded outside of Lindsay’s apartment. They have been waiting for an hour. She has been late seven out of twelve shooting days. Lindsay says that she needs a day, blah blah blah, she needs this “for me,” and there you have it. Lindsay’s sober coach is afraid of the footage of her putting pounds and pounds of things away, basically. You know what I think? I think Lindsay had a little something-something stashed in those boxes and pockets and possessions, and she doesn’t want that on camera. The director is being perfectly reasonable, like, too reasonable. Then the “celebrity health and wellness coach” arrives, and you bet that she wants her camera time. Matt, the poor personal assistant, just wants five minutes alone with Lindsay to talk talk talk, but even he can’t get any facetime with the superstar. Lindsay’s latest excuse for not filming is a dermatologist appointment and an AA meeting. Well, now the production crew has been assigned the task of getting Lindsay’s apartment in order and settled, and they are going to film it. So…sure. Why not.
There are mountains of clothes. Piles. Yet apparently no bras, because Lindsay seems to have opted out of undergarments today. Lindsay is bickering with Matt over his failure to organize her crap. There are no keys, her boobs are bouncing everywhere, Lindsay thinks you can have keys made at Duane Reade (pro tip: you can’t), and “Please stop badgering me….you don’t have to be disrespectful….in the ways that you talk to me….” It’s not going to end well for Matt. Or Lindsay, but for totally different reasons.
Another day, another lunch date with the Celebrity Health And Wellness Coach. Aww. Lindsay’s roots are showing. Get that fixed, girl. Lindsay explains that her struggle with the filming is that she signed up for the cameras to be there, but not a reality show where the cameras are always there, or something like that, I don’t know. It’s hard to understand what she’s yammering about. She admits that she should’ve taken a little more time out of treatment before filming. Which is mature, but her solution is childish.
Okay, shit just got real. Oprah is coming by Casa Lohan of the Long Island Lohans for a check-in. Oprah’s people fill her in on the progress, including Lindsay not participating, not committing to shoots, changing the rules, blah blah blah. Oprah looks lovely on the Long Island Expressway, wearing a bright blue shirt and a steel blue seatbelt. Oprah wants to figure out what Lindsay wants, and if it’s not what Oprah wants, then she’s okay with letting it all go. Oprah feels let down because she believed Lindsay was ready even though everyone else said that this would happen.
Lindsay gets her hair all did, and Dina is so ready for her Oprah moment. Oh they even trotted out Grandma Lohan for the occasion. Oprah and Lindsay sit on a leather sectional and have some real talk. So Linds, what’s with all of this chaos you’re creating? “If you’re not ready to keep the commitment that you agreed to with me and the rest of the crew…I’m okay with that.” Well when you put it that way, Oprah. Lindsay pulls out her bullshit bag and comes back with “it’s weird” and “it’s hard.” So Oprah double high-fives her for being sober.
Oprah heard that she was out and went to see a boyfriend and was out late at night…and Lindsay says it’s not true. And Lindsay never lies, Oprah! Anyway, Oprah sees this documentary as a way to teach people how to turn their lives around. Uh, Oprah? Maybe you should’ve chosen anyone on the planet other than Lindsay Lohan. And then she lays down the law. “Keep your commitments. I can’t stand up for you, I can’t back you up, if I can’t trust you.”
Next week, Dina gets her facetime with Oprah, and Lindsay gets puppies.
photos via OWN