The show begins four days after Lindsay Lohan completed ninety days of court-ordered rehab. Oprah starts out by greeting her backstage and finding out what she wants out of this interview. “Just to be…honest and open, you know, just me. Yeah.” And we all know that when Lindsay says she’s speaking the truth, she is speaking the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Mmm hmm.

Should we start out with a laundry list of Lohan’s crimes and punishments? You know, to set the stage:

2007

  • 2 DUI Convictions
  • 36 Months Probation
  • 3 Trips To Rehab

2010-2012

  • Theft Charges
  • Probation Violation
  • 2 More Trips To Rehab

2013

  • Wreckless Driving
  • Lying To A Police Officer
  • Probation Violation
  • More Rehab

With that backdrop, Lindsay admits that she is an addict. And she’s ramping up for a yoga-slash-meditation retreat in Europe. Because when I hear Europe I think yoga, and when I hear yoga in Europe, I think mediation.

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But first, we’re in Los Angeles so that Linds can pack up her crap and get herself home to New Yawk. Well this is sadder than I expected. All of her crap is in a storage unit and it’s a hoardy, rumpled mess. Now if she was smart (which, yeah, no), she would hire someone to sort out her shit for her and it’d arrive all nice and neat and…clean is the word I’m looking for, and maybe even organized. You look at that pile of boxes and baubles and it becomes painfully clear that Lindsay is addicted to chaos.

Yay! Apartment hunting! In…Soho? Okay, sure. Nothing can ever go wrong in Soho, right? On her way to look at an apartment, Lindsay has to go shopping because she hates the dress she’s wearing. Things I’ve never done while apartment hunting? Wardrobe changes. So let’s talk about this apartment. Gorgeous floors, cute balcony, nice built-ins. Can we also talk about the outfit she bought? High-waist black shorts don’t look good on anyone.

We’re going to Long Island!!! Whee!!! Dina got her hair done for the show, so that’s nice. Oh ha, Lindsay had all of her crap shipped to her mother’s house, so now the living room is a dump. Dina looks like she’s trying to remember her lines for the part of Caring Mother #2. Lindsay reads her journaling from Betty Ford about how important her mother is to her recovery, Dina looks on awkwardly, and they talk about rehab like it’s summer camp.

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With clothing inventory done, Lohan skeedaddles back to Manhattan. Calls are made to realtors. I guess maybe it’s not so easy to find someone willing to rent an apartment to Lindsay Lohan…I wonder why….While she waits for a lease, Lindsay considers a trip to Venice for the premiere of a movie that totally tanked. She wants to go, but knows it’s not the best thing to do at the moment. But not because she’s worried about her sobriety. No, she’s worried that because she doesn’t have another project, there will be nothing to talk about in the interviews. Ugh, Lindsay! Well, it’s a good thing she decided not to go because at the premiere, the director used his platform to talk about how he had been held hostage to Lohan for the past sixteen months. Awkward?

It’s time for Real Talk With Lindsay Lohan. She reminisces about the time she got “put into jail,” and how unfair it was that other people got out but she had to stay because the judge was a big meanie and wanted to punish her. Have I mentioned ugh Lindsay? And, she doesn’t go to her AA meeting because the paparazzi are waiting for her outside. So she’s trapped in her hotel room, and why does the world hate her so much? She’s just a girl trying to…something…I’m not really sure what she’s trying to do, actually. There are no auditions, no scripts to read, no nothing.

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But hey look! She has work! A cameo in a friend’s lingerie ad. Sounds a little porny to me, but work is work, right? Lindsay doesn’t like the script because it demeans models? She thought it would be a love story, but now she really wants to be in London and something about a schedule change and Lindsay’s in tears. Also, what’s with her hair color? It’s very strawberry blonde, with an emphasis on orange. If she’s going to maintain her orange-skinned glow, she really needs to go back to a darker brown. Anyway, Lindsay refuses to participate in the shoot but agrees to hang out on the roof for a while so that people can try to cajole her into doing her job.

Lindsay tough-talks her real estate broker because not having an apartment has kept her from having a sponsor or keeping a regular workout routine. I know it’s not easy to live in a hotel, but it’s not like she’s living in a Hampton Inn off the freeway near the airport. It’s a massive suite with a kitchen and everything. And when the hotel asks her to move rooms after thirty-four days, she has an assistant to pack up and do it for her. So cry me a puddle and bust out the tiny violins for Lindsay Lohan’s tough life.

Next week, more chaos and a handful of fresh sycophant.

photos via OWN

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