Project Runway is Back!
Project Runway is back? Project Runway is back! I had no idea because I don’t normally watch The Lifetime Network For A Certain Demographic Of Ladies. And they brought back Kate from Season 11, who I don’t really remember. Also, one of the designers is deaf so he gets a nifty sign language interpreter. As designer Karen explains, “I think it’s so awesome that Justin is the designer who’s, you know, dealing with being deaf? I can’t even imagine what that’d be like.” Thanks for that, Karen. You are an idiot. Oh, and one more thing. The winner gets something like half a million dollars worth of stuff.
The new season opens big, too. Skydivers are falling from…well, from the sky. For their first challenge, the sixteen designers have to use parachute material. I absolutely dare one of them to make parachute pants.
So what do we need to know about the designers? There’s a classical dancer, an Army mechanic, some kind of rocker chick, a couple of twee nerdlings from Wisconsin, and, ugh. There’s just so many of them. We need to thin the herd. There’s a new accessories partner—Belk Department Stores, which I’ve never, ever heard of, even in a little bit. Thanks to another product placement, the designers will be managing their budgets for the entire season. But they will not be visiting Mood for this challenge. Instead, they will receive various parachute-like trimmings and sketching on Not iPads as everyone figures out how to work with this sheerish, plasticy fabric.
The next morning, the designers get to work. One of them doesn’t know how to use a sewing machine, and another doesn’t like to use electricity. Good luck to both of those contestants. Tim Gunn arrives to a silent workroom and makes the rounds. Alexandria is doing colorblocking, Kate is making a poufy pouf pouf, Bradon is designing a billowy flowing train, Timothy burned his fabric and is “doing a whole conceptual performance piece” involving barefoot binding, and Miranda avoided using the parachute in order to make a sleek dress. Helen also put the parachute aside, but her dress is at least mildly interesting, Kahindo pleated a skirt into a mess, Angela designed a blah tent dress, Sue has absolutely no clue what she’s doing but may pull a decent look in the end, and Sandro and his pornstache are doing skimpy swimwear.
The best instructions to a model ever come from Timothy who tells his model, “I want you to think about awkwardly? Sniffing your armpit.” Oh, and because he’s an eco-friendly designer, he won’t let his model use any of the makeup or hair products. Kids these days.
Runway time! And here’s Heidi. Our judges are Zac Posen, Nina Garcia, Kate Bosworth…and Tim Gunn will have “The Time Gunn Rescue,” which is one “save” during the season. Also, the runway show will be anonymous.
Sue’s pink and orange dress is surprisingly nice. Bradon’s flowy, stringy gown is beautiful. Jeremy’s pants are crazy and kind of badass, perfectly paired with a plain white shirt. Kahindo’s pleated skirt is still a mess and the top’s not much better. Sandro made a bathing suit with “vagina drop.” Helen’s dress is fabulous, and I hate her for it. Alexandria’s dress is a colorblocked mess with awkwardly placed pockets. Karen’s design is something I would buy at Calypso St. Barth. Timothy’s weirdness is only matched by his model’s armpit-sniffing performance. Justin’s hot pink dress is refreshing. Kate’s yellow froufrou dress is…ugh. Angela’s blue tent dress is amateurish. Alexander’s colorblocked dress is hanging all wrong. Dom’s outfit is adorable and I would happily wear each one of those separates. Ken made a bold orange dress with a brilliant pleated collar. Miranda sent a black cocktail dress down the runway in a sea of bright colors.
Timothy tries to explain his dress to the judges. Nina calls it muddled, and Zac Posen says his model looks like she found her in the woods, plus he calls shenanigans on Timothy’s environmental blah blahs since he burned synthetic fabrics to get the texture. Sue’s dress receives high marks. Nina loves Miranda’s silhouette and lets her off the hook for not using much of the parachute. Angela talks her way around her oddly proportioned tent dress, but Nina calls it a “disposable poncho.” Bradon’s dramatic, billowy dress is a huge hit. Sandro’s x-rated bathing suit does not impress the judges, and Zac calls the model a “slutty cat toy.”
Tim marches out with the six looks. For the first time in Project Runway history, the judges get a good look at the craftsmanship while Tim explains what was going on in the workroom.
The win goes to Bradon for his gorgeous gown, and he has immunity for the next challenge. Sue is safe, and Miranda gets a stern warning about not following the rules before she is allowed to continue. Sandro is also safe, which leaves Timothy and Angela. The judges keep Timothy in his four-inch gold sparkle unicorn heels, and Angela is out.
So what’s in store for us? This season, we get jewels, Coney Island, kayaking, cursing, crying, Sandro smashing a camera, a “foaming vagina,” lots of famous people, and Michael Kors!
Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.