Lindsay Lohan is supposed to be in hair and makeup at 1:00 p.m. and in a car headed for the parking lot that is within view of my apartment (I just love living in the only part of town film shoots have left to use for authentic New York City “grit” backdrops). But good Lindsay doesn’t arrive until the sun is about to fall out of the sky with a giant ploop! sound and refuses to actually speak any lines.
The crew is filming Lindsay in her bed because she does not leave that space very often, and from that perch she can conduct all of her business. This includes texting friends and telling Poor Matt what to pack and how to fold it. For her trip to Art Basel, Lindsay gets hair extensions in an effort to get her natural hair to grow back, which makes absolutely no sense to me because those roots are just bonkers. While in Miami, the media reports an “altercation” in the house in which Lindsay was staying, and it involves a Hilton and a drug-fueled party.
Poor Matt explains that Lindsay doesn’t have “that much going on” so she can go out late at night with her friends and not worry about waking up for shoot time. As if she ever worried about that when she did have somewhere to be in the morning.
Yay! More community service! They’re going to find that kid she promised to visit again. Lindsay is hoping and praying that “they will say enough is enough” and understand she is leading a good life and stop with all of this silly community service. But until then, she’s going to hang with some kiddies and do art projects. This really must be cutting into her not working nor drinking time.
It’s 137 days out of rehab and Lindsay does some more volunteer work. She is introducing Miley Cyrus at the Jingle Ball. She brings the junkie who got his ear pierced with a knife in the wee hours of a morning, so you know it’s going to be a fun night. Lindsay asks to meet with Miley before the show so that she could find out what she wants her to say, but Miley won’t even respond to her tweets let alone agree to be seen on camera in this crapshow of a docu-series. I never thought I’d say this, but good for you, Miley Cyrus. So Lindsay went on stage and made it mostly about herself.
Lindsay has meetings, and something that vaguely resembles work:
- Lindsay is discussing an upcoming project with a producer. “Edgy, grainy, handheld….” For some reason Lindsay is very involved behind-the-scenes.
- What? Lindsay arrived on time for a photo shoot? The photographer keeps saying things like “ugh I love that, I love the pose it’s great, great, great, I love that, you are so incredible, amazing.”
- Next is a meeting with a literary agent about a book deal. “I love writing, which is why I met with the literary agent.” She then explains that she could do a coffee table book, or a real book. And she has tons of journals. And her mother’s book is coming out, so she needs a book to come out, too. The agent explains that this is a multi-million dollar book, and she should have a deal within two weeks. That sound you hear is every writer on the planet weeping in unison.
- Oh good, now we get to Lindsay’s brother’s karaoke app that Lindsay is a spokesperson — who goes to Pravda anymore?
Lindsay goes to Shanghai to receive a fashion achievement award that is given out to starlets who go a full year without flashing the camera. There’s also a photo shoot for a fashion magazine. Then, it’s off to Sundance to announce her participation in a movie. I guess that’s what people do, they go to a film festival and announce that they have a job? Is that normal?
Back in New York, Poor Matt packs up and moves back to Los Angeles. Due to a confidentiality agreement, he cannot speak about why he was let go but the papers say that it’s because she stopped paying him, which, yeah. I can believe that, and I’m surprised it took seven months. Then at about 275 days out of rehab, Poor Matt returns to help Lindsay for a week with the press for the docu-series.
Before the lights go out and the cameras turn away, Lindsay talks about her sex list. She says that it’s part of her Betty Ford steps, and someone who used to be a part of her life took a photo of the list and released it which is not cool at all. She also says that she had a miscarriage during the two weeks when she couldn’t film.
We totally feel for Lindsay, and really hope this show was everything she wanted it to be.For us… it was… something.