Get your teacups ready, it’s time for our Ladies of London recap!
Happy Fourth Of July! (I know it’s only June, but shhh! Just play along.) What kind of idiot celebrates America’s independence from England in England? These kinds…
Juliet is sipping elegant white wine spritzers with Marissa in a pub. The pub owner is just shaking his head in the background, counting his Bravo cash. Soon, Marissa will finally receive her British citizenship and is hosting a Fourth of July party with Juliet to celebrate. Marissa insists that drinks in jam jars are Americana whereas Juliet wants the party to be the classy kind of Americana. Like the kind you find at a party supply store. They call Caroline to invite her to the party and, thankfully, she is conscious of the absurdity of hosting a Fourth of July party in England. Meanwhile, Caprice’s dog is eating its own poop. She insists her face sells underwear and swimwear, but I’m still unable to get past the fact that she’s trying to pass herself off as forty-one.
Annabelle’s grandmum has such a thick British accent that she needs adorable subtitles. There’s a lot of royal name dropping which seems to be a hobby with these ladies, and gratuitous mentions of Alexander McQueen. Ugh. Just stop already! He was a brilliant designer, and you are not a brilliant anything.
It’s social media time at Caroline’s brand which sells gifts for rich people who think so little of their loved ones that they can’t be bothered picking out a meaningful gift themselves. More name dropping, a splash of vintage Cartier, and Caroline practically admits that she is just as tacky as the Americans.
The Fourth of July party will be hosted at Marissa’s husband’s new restaurant. Choosing food involves the chef preparing many dishes that will mostly go to waste. First are baby back ribs, which are deemed unacceptably messy. Next, a burger. It is too big. Finally, a lobster roll is juuuuuust right.
There are small-but-wavable American flags, American flag wall decorations, American flag doodads, and little teeny tiny British flags stuck somewhere near the food trays. Juliet arrives to help set up a party that has already been set up in a sweatshirt and cut-off shorts which is the traditional garb of the American hillbilly. Aaaand there’s a banjo player.
Caprice drags her boyfriend to the festivities and Juliet’s husband schleps their kid around the room. In keeping with the theme, Caroline wears jeans with holes in the knees. And in keeping with the theme of the party which seems to be “irony,” Caroline ironically inquires into the location of the rest of Juliet’s jeans.
Annabelle looks like she not just doesn’t want to be there and has already fired her lawyers for letting them slip this appearance into her contract. She is dressed in black in honor of the civil war this party is meant to celebrate. Aww, Juliet keeps trying to jump into a conversation Annabelle is having with anyone but Juliet, and it’s grating on Annabelle’s nerves. She tells Juliet to slow down, and then to shut up. Which is rude, yes. But still.
Marissa gives a short and sweet toast, and Juliet sings the national anthem. Annabelle calls it the “Star Strangled Banner,” which is not clever but definitely on target. Then, it’s the traditional Gifting Of The Knickers, and it’s too much for Annabelle. She walks out in disgust at the first sight of underwear at the dinner table. To be fair, the party really sucks so I can’t blame her for leaving. Juliet goes after her to have words and Annabelle calls her “special needs.” Well that’s a new low. Caprice is also “so done” and goes to find Annabelle because Annabelle is far closer to royalty than any of the schmucks at the table. When Annabelle isn’t interested in being comforted by the tacky American in the polka dot toga, Caprice returns to the party where, likewise, she is not wanted.
Next week, Caroline plans a baby shower for Caprice and the entire venue is flooded.
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Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.