Is it Tuesday already? Well you know what that means, it’s time four our Ladies of London recap!

Marissa owns a restaurant with her husband, which makes her working class. Juliet deems the restaurant “cute” and orders a fish pie and a white wine spritzer, which makes her déclassé. They are preparing for The Serpentine, a big and British fahhhncy pahhhty. Oh I do so love a pahhhty.

Noelle meets her boyfriend for a meal that resembles lunch so that she can hear all about his divorce proceedings. She reminds him about the time last year that it was supposed to be over and they were supposed to be married and this was supposed to have happened but… where is he hiding his money? I think maybe she would like him to hide his money in her pockets. Oh, and Noelle does not have tickets to The Serpentine.

ladies of london

Speaking of hiding, Caprice has a couple of babies stashed in her belly and has her own baby viewing party machine hooked up to a laptop. But now I’m confused because the baby is being baked by a surrogate in a different country, so… was she looking at a burrito baby in her belly? Oh wait—she is having one baby herself, and another by a surrogate. Totally not weird at all, I can’t believe that was ever confusing. Her births are on the cover of the tabloids because she called the tabloids and asked them to let everyone know that this is not at all strange. This is deemed tacky since she took the story to the tabloids herself which is not how real Brits operate.

It’s party day and all of the best ladies are getting their hair looking its best as well. And then there’s sad Noelle, having her hair did in hopes of acquiring a pair of last minute tickets from a scalper behind the stadium. Did you try StubHub, Noelle? Caroline is wearing “couture Cavalli” which, if you ask me, is an oxymoron. She is not in the mood for “The Caprice Show,” which means a quick cut to Caprice having her own beauty session. Marissa’s dress is gold lamé, yet somehow breezy and casual. Oh ha ha, no tickets for Noelle but she’s going to Marissa’s pre-party anyhow. Awkward? Or just very American?

The ladies converge on a bar for cocktail hour with Marissa. Caroline’s Cavalli is relatively hideous in that it’s a jade green, ill-fitted sparklefest. Luckily Caroline has an extra ticket for the party, so Noelle gets to grub and grovel for a seat at the big girl’s table. Juliet arrives after a long day of dressing important people, but cannot say who. Or what. Or where. Then, Caprice galumphs in wearing a peach turtleneck tube dress with very visible panty lines and giant metallic green bugs on the front. No, I’m not making this up. Oh thank goodness, Annabelle breezes in sporting the loveliest McQueen gown. It’s all silk and swish and she looks like a rose in bloom and makes Caprice’s dress seem even more ridiculous.

Aww, this is sad. There’s, like legitimately famous people at this event, so nobody really wants to take the photos of the reality television wanna-be famous people. Thankfully Bravo hired a few photographers so the girls get their flash-flash-click-click-turn-this-way-ladies moment.

Next week, Annabelle mentors a young fashion designers and Juliet hosts a Fourth Of July party in the traditional American garb—Daisy Dukes.

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Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.

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