Yesterday, Kris Jenner announced the launch of an incredible opportunity: to be a Kardashian-Jenner for a day. Honestly, who could ask for more? It’s a dream caught in the heart of every American — nay, of every human. Unfortunately for all of us, there’s only one winner. That’s right. Of the millions — no, billions — of applications that are sure to flood Jenner’s website, the soon-to-be talk show host can pick just one. And, let me just tell you right off the bat, if you’re thinking of applying, get ready for some stiff competition.
First, let’s go through the steps you’ll need to take in order to apply. Keep in mind that Kris Jenner is taking this seriously and you should, too. This isn’t a game. It’s the opportunity of a life time. Do you have what it takes? Do you have the “spirit, strength, love and entrepreneurial attitude” of the Kardashian-Jenner family? Because those are the very adjectives that Kris Jenner used to describe her loved ones. Kim, certainly, had spirit back in 2007. So did Ray J for that matter. But the past is the past, and now she has given birth to the world’s first human compass, so that’s something.
Right, the steps. You have to submit a minute-long video, which should start out with you saying “Kris!” to the camera and rolling your eyes. No, that’s not a joke. That’s actually what you’re supposed to do. And once you’ve publicly embarrassed yourself so you will never be able to show your face again — a problem the Kardashians don’t seem to have — you tell Kris the following:
- Why you want to be a Kardashian for the day (and, for that matter, tell us, too).
- The description of an entrepreneurial project you’ve recently pursued.
- How you recently demonstrated to your family how much you love them.
Keep in mind that Kris Jenner isn’t just offering her day-long companionship. You’d also be in the running for $5000 and a $1000 shopping spree at DASH, and — best of all — tickets to the Kris Jenner show. This is no shameless plug, though! No, no, no.
But look out — the competition ends July 12. That means you have only a couple weeks to nail down this video. It’s going to take time, effort, and a lot of editing. Also, you’re somehow going to have to come up with a reason to want to be a Kardashian, and that alone could take up to a full year and a half. It’s time to get crackin’.
And, lastly, we’re here to provide you with some visual aids. The Kardashians and the Jenners, or the Kardashian-Jenners, or whatever they’re called, just want you to be a part of their family. But you should know that if you spend enough time with them, they could rub off on you. And then you’ll fly home from L.A. — for free, which is cool — wearing something like, well, this:
That, ladies and gentlemen, is Kendall Jenner holding a duck. If you win, you can spend time with her mother. Need we say more?