This is a response to a piece posted on TotalFratMove.com titled “Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short” by user Roger Sterling Jr. The piece can be read in full here.
I had never heard of you or your site until recently, it was drawn to my attention when I noticed a piece from your site floating around the internet. A piece called “Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short” and after reading it I just want to say thank you. The advice was sound, and helped me finally settle the existential crisis of whether or not I should cut my hair. Now I know I shouldn’t, because if I do my face will look fat and I will never get a boyfriend because no boy will want to look at me if I have short hair.
Crisis averted. Thank you, RogerSterlingJr at Total Frat Move.
I knew that this was going to be the article to save my life right from the first sentence: “None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cuts.” Such poignant words that I can totally relate to, as I think most women can. Because, well, as women I think none of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with appearance dictating and overly controlling d-bags, but still over the past couple of centuries men still continue to think they have any say in a woman’s appearance. C’est la vie though, right? We better listen if we ever want to be wifed up. So listen ladies: grow that hair to the floor. The Cousin It look is sexy. No shave November? More like no-shave lifetime!
This hard-hitting and helpful piece of journalism was sparked in part by Jennifer Lawrence’s recent new short do. RogerSterlingJr is worried that since basically every girl in the world wants to be her best friend (accurate) that we will all follow in her seemingly atrocious footsteps like the lemmings we are and all cut our hair too. It is true though that I, and many other females, are heavily influenced by Jennifer Lawrence. I spent a month this summer living in the woods hunting my peers because I thought that was what was on trend. Guess what guys, I was wrong. I digress, RogerSterlingJr however says in his piece “Girls, I’m here to save you from yourself. If you’re a woman in your prime, short hair is an overwhelmingly bad idea.” And like a white knight dressed as Tuxedo Mask, RogerSterlingJr comes swooping in and we are thankfully all saved from ourselves: because when it comes to our appearances, we are our own worst enemies.
Ladies you may be asking yourself, as I was, what his reasoning for all of this is though. Because, well, I am not completely brainless. If someone is going to tell me to make them a sandwich I want to know why, you know? So why shouldn’t I cut my hair? So here are his reasons:
If Celebrities Can’t Pull It Off, You Can’t
Exhibit A: Miley Cyrus not looking totally adorable in short hair.
Notice how she has an extra foot growing out of her face and you can tell she spits on children?
This is true. I saw Lady Gaga wear meat once and I was like “she looks terrible but I could totes pull off a medium-rare tenderloin” but I was wrong. So wrong. It was not a flattering look for me and just made me hungry. But surely not everyone looks terrible with short hair right? Someone has to look good with short hair. Wait a second RogerSterlingJr, you are saying that no one does? Not even famous people? Okay. Guess you’re right. Emma Watson looked terrible. Beyonce looked terrible. Anne Hathaway looked terrible. I will keep my hair long!
You Will Stand Out, But Not In A Good Way
Exhibit B: Jennifer Lawrence standing out and not in a good way at the Catching Fire premiere.
She ate Josh Hutcherson after this was taken. Because short hair leads to cannibalism.
“There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets,” the all knowing RogerSterlingJr says. It is good to know that no matter what, regardless of my personality or what I am wearing that my legs, butt, and boobs are all that will stand out right away to men. Unless you know, something about me is “spectacularly awful” like my hair. Or that zit I got from stress. Or like my (god forbid) “I think for myself” personality. Don’t draw negative attention to yourself, ladies! You will die alone with twelve thousand cats. At least.
They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls
Exhibit C: Emma Watson as an actual witch. Her short hair gave her evil powers and here she is casting a spell
on all men so they are rendered incontinent because short hair makes you ugly and evil.
RogerSterlingJr says ““But we don’t cut our hair for men, we cut it for ourselves!” the tired chorus cries out. This isn’t just about impressing guys, though. All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. Other girls will notice them immediately as well.” This is so so so true. Forget about men. If you have short hair then other girls will hate you too. I was on the subway the other day and I saw this girl with a pixie cut and I was suddenly aware that she had four noses, kicked puppies, and cheated on her SATs. But the girl with long hair next to her? She was beautiful and obviously had never told a charity she really didn’t have the money to make a donation and then blew half her paycheck on new chelsea boots at Topshop on impulse. If you cut your hair ladies, everyone will see what a troll you are inside and out. You don’t want that right? Also don’t forget: everyone will see how fat your face is. And you will never get a boyfriend. And you won’t have any girl friends either.
I can’t stress enough how thankful I am that RogerSterlingJr of Total Frat Move wrote this piece. Personally, between the societal implications of what women should look like and my own personal struggles I wasn’t really insecure enough right now. Which can be dangerous. A woman that isn’t insecure? What will she do?! So it was nice to be taken down a peg. On top of that, I don’t feel like I am be told what to do in regards to my appearance/body by men enough. The men in Congress telling me what I can and can’t do with my body in situations they will never have to deal with, was not nearly enough for me. So it is nice to know that a random entitled man on the internet has opinions on women as a whole and felt the need to chime in. It’s nice to know that strangers have your back, you know?
It did occur to me at one point that maybe RogerSterlingJr was using a technique he probably learned in 10th grade English called “satire.” However, I really hope he isn’t. There are ways to highlight the absurdity that is “men dictating women’s appearances” but this is not one of those ways. This is so over the top and absurd that it has to be true, right? I guess I can find solace in knowing that even if RogerSterlingJr meant all of this in jest, there are still men out there who truly believe this. So please let it be real. I have already locked myself in a tower to promote faster hair growth so RogerSterlingJr can climb up my long, long, ridiculously long, hair and rescue me from my mundane female tower life.
So, again, thank you, RogerSterlingJr, you can go shave your back now.
photos via Getty