Unpacking Ashton Kutcher's Christmas List

We’re fans of design sale site Fab.com, so when an email in our inbox this morning promised to reveal “Ashton Kutcher’s Favorite Gifts of 2012,” we were powerless to click through. Not long after doing so, we remembered that Kutcher is a backer of the site. Still, we were intrigued what sort of things are on the Christmas list of an occasional brownface enthusiast and former professionally unfunny prankster. Read on to see what we’ve gleaned from some of his picks. You can shop all of them here.

Division of Labor Poster Set – We have to give the Ash-man some credit here. This seems an uncannily self-aware gift pick. These posters bear slogans like “Think before printing (and sleeping with co-workers),” “Nothing good comes from hitting ‘reply all’,” “Stop tweeting boring sh*t,” and “If it’s really funny, it’s probably harassment.” All of which seem like the kind of things you might have to remind A-Kutch of if, heaven forfend, he worked in your office.

Provo Stained Bamboo Eyeglasses  – This joke practically makes itself. Hint: it has to do with Ashton Kutcher wanting to appear more intelligent than he is.

History of Apple Poster – As we’ve mentioned in past, the fact that Ashton Kutcher is actually going to be playing Steve Jobs is perhaps Hollywood’s greatest joke on the American public to date.

DPCTED Cuddle You So Hard Tee – Honestly, of course Ashton would wear this shirt. Ashton Kutcher is one degree removed from the idiot in a knit hat hitting on you in a bar and telling you how he’s been learning some acoustic guitar lately and that it’s “pretty sick.”

Behance Action Book – We almost lost a mouthful of our Americano when we read that this notebook is “a task management tool designed to help visionary thinkers push their ideas forward.” Presumably visionary thinkers like Ash himself, the man who had to have his Twitter account taken away after defending disgraced UPenn coach Joe Paterno and tweeting on September 11, “This without a doubt the greatest day of the year! Hello football my old friend. Let’s us mingle for the next 5 months. TY #NFL TY #Jesus.”

Do you hate us? Do you hate Ashton? Have we lost your respect? Will you be shopping Kutcher’s Holiday Workshop?